Heartsong Read online

  Sometimes we could afford a cheap motel. They were always dingy and smelled awful, but she said we needed to be thankful for the little things.

  Some nights she stayed with me, curled around me, whispering quietly in my ear.

  She would tell me about a place where we could be free. Where we could shift and feel the earth beneath our feet without worrying someone would hurt us. She told me there was a rumor of a place, far, far to the west, where wolves and humans lived together in harmony. They loved each other, she whispered, because that’s what pack was supposed to do.

  And she told me other stories, little things that made me ache.

  About how her grandfather had been sweet and loving. He would always give her fruit candies when no one was watching.

  About the first time she shifted and saw the world in shades of wolf.

  About how she had made mistakes, but she couldn’t be too angry because those mistakes had brought me to her.

  She said that in a perfect world, my father would love us. He wouldn’t care what we were. That he wouldn’t have used her. That when I was born, things would have changed for him.

  “No one can know the minds of men,” she said, her voice so bitter that I could taste it. “They tell you things, and you believe them because you don’t know any better.”

  I would reach up and tell her not to cry.

  Sometimes she even listened to me.

  * * *

  “Sorry,” I muttered as I closed the door behind me. “Got tackled by a bunch of cubs.”

  Ezra chuckled. “They do seem fond of you.”

  I patted him on the shoulder as I stood next to his chair. “Thanks for waiting for me.”

  He arched an eyebrow at me. “I told you to get up. It’s not my fault you’re lazy.”

  “And it’s not my fault your idea of morning consists of getting up before the sun rises. There’s something seriously wrong with you.”

  “Cute,” Ezra said. “Ageism at its finest.” He looked at Michelle. “You see what I have to put up with?” He smiled at her.

  She didn’t smile back.

  Ezra had been her witch for years. When she’d taken over as Alpha of all, he’d come along with her. He was the one who’d come to fetch me last year per her request and brought me back to Caswell. Their relationship confused me. All the witches to wolves I’d met before had an almost symbiotic relationship with their Alpha. Ezra and Michelle seemed to be on good terms, but they had a history I wasn’t privy to. I’d thought about asking after it, but I never did. Part of it was not wanting to ruin what I had by dredging up memories they obviously didn’t want to talk about.

  “Come here,” Michelle said. She added, “Please,” almost as an afterthought.

  I walked around the desk and stood next to an old bookcase filled with texts and tomes that held the history of the wolves. I didn’t want to seem too eager. We were still learning about each other, but we had time. When I first met her, I’d thought her cold and calculating. It took me a long time to see through it. It wasn’t a front exactly, but more the byproduct of being in her position. Once you got through the façade, she was a good Alpha.

  And she trusted me.

  Gave me a home.

  I owed her.

  She stood, and I tilted my head in deference, exposing my neck. Her eyes flashed red, and she trailed a finger along my throat. Her scent was spicy and sharp.

  “Ezra tells me you were dreaming again,” she said quietly.

  I glanced at him before looking back down at her. She was a short woman, slight and pale. But I wasn’t fooled, nor had I been when I’d first met her. She was stronger than any Alpha I’d ever come across. Part of it was being the Alpha of all. Part of it was from her lineage. If it came down to it, it wouldn’t be a fair fight. She could take me down with ease.

  “It wasn’t….” I shook my head. “It wasn’t anything. Just a dream.”

  “The same one, though.” She tapped her fingernails on the desk.

  “I guess,” I said begrudgingly.

  “And what do you make of it?”

  “It’s nothing. Just… probably something from before.”

  Her expression softened. “He can’t hurt you anymore. He’s been dead a long time, Robbie. The wolves that found you saw to that. Those hunters are gone.”

  “I know,” I said honestly. “It’s why you shouldn’t worry about it. I’m fine.” I smiled to reassure her.

  She looked dubious. “You’ll tell me if it happens again.”

  “Of course.”

  “Good. Thank you, Robbie. You’re a good wolf. You may have a seat.”

  I felt warm at the praise from my Alpha. I went back around the desk, shooting a glare at Ezra for opening his mouth when he shouldn’t have. He’d hear from me later. I couldn’t have Michelle doubting me.

  Ezra ignored me, as was his way.

  I sat down next to him, slumping in my chair. Ezra kicked my foot, and I sighed as I straightened my back, hands folded in my lap.

  Michelle sat back down across from us. She lifted her tablet from the desk and started typing on the screen. “I have an assignment for you. Out of town.” She glanced at me before looking back down at the tablet. “Out of state, actually.”

  That caught my attention. Normally if she sent me anywhere, it was within a few hours’ drive of Caswell. There were extensions of her pack throughout Maine, wolves who worked around the state, mostly in the bigger cities like Bangor and Portland. They lived in small groups, working with the humans who were unaware of what they were, especially those in positions of power in local government. When I first arrived I’d made the mistake of calling it her agenda, and she’d corrected me immediately. She didn’t have an agenda, she said. She merely wanted to expand the reach of the wolves. I didn’t understand why she needed to do this, given that no one was trying to fight against her. And why would they? She was the Alpha of all for a reason. And while her word was final, it wasn’t absolute. She listened to her pack, heard their worries and concerns. If she could help them, she did.

  I thought at first the wolves were scared of her.

  I thought at first I was scared of her.

  But there’s a thin line between fear and awe.

  I tried to tamp down my eagerness. “You’re serious?”

  She nodded toward Ezra. “He thinks you’re ready.”

  Maybe I wouldn’t have to yell at him after all. “I am.”

  “Then consider this a test,” she said. “To see if he’s right.”

  “I think you’ll find I usually am,” he said mildly.

  The skin around her eyes tightened briefly. I wondered what they’d been talking about before I showed up. “We’ll see, then, won’t we? There’s a pack in Virginia. It’s small—an Alpha and three Betas. We haven’t heard from them in a few months.”

  I frowned. “Hunters?”

  She shook her head slowly. “Not that I’m aware of. More of a… disagreement in the way things should be run. I need you to impress upon them that open lines of communication are paramount to the survival of our species. It’s imperative, especially in these troubling times, that we have each other’s backs as much as possible. I’ve sent you the file.”

  I pulled my phone from my pocket and clicked on the Dropbox app to download the attachment. The first page was a picture. The Alpha stood in the center. She was smiling. She was younger than I expected her to be. She could have been in high school. She was holding a sign that said SOLD! in bright lettering. There was a run-down house behind her looked barely livable.

  Standing with her were three men. Two were young. One was old enough to be her father, though they looked nothing alike. He was black. She was white. They were all smiling.

  The rest of the file contained information on the pack. I was right. The Alpha was young, having just turned twenty. I couldn’t imagine having that kind of power at that age. I read that she’d gotten it from her mother when she’d passed on a year prior.


  “No witch?” I asked, reading through the notes.

  “No,” Michelle said. “They were never big enough to need one. Her mother was a friend of mine. Kind. Patient. Willing to work for the good of the pack. Her daughter is headstrong. I know that she’ll fall in line with proper motivation.”

  I looked up at her. “How did her mother die?”

  “A car accident, of all things. Her daughter was in the car with her but wasn’t seriously hurt. The power of the Alpha passed along to her. She’s been… difficult ever since. But when one is as young as she, one tends to get ideas about the way things should be run. She hasn’t been in touch, and it appears she has cut off communication with us.”

  “She wants independence,” I said, going back to the picture. They looked happy. “You can’t fault her for that.”

  “I don’t,” Michelle said sharply, and I felt the pull in her voice, the undercurrent of the Alpha. “But there is a difference between independence and outright defiance. This is the way things are done, Robbie. You know that. She has her own pack, yes, but all wolves are under my jurisdiction.”

  I did know. There were outliers, sure, wolves who tried to remain hidden from the reach of the Alpha of all. And if they didn’t have an Alpha of their own, they ran the risk of turning Omega, losing their minds to the wolf, forgetting they had ever been human.

  And if it got that far, there was only one thing that could be done.

  It was always quick. Or so I was told. I’d never seen an Omega put down.

  I never wanted to.

  “Maybe they just forgot to check in,” I said. “You know how things get. They’re busy living their own lives. It happens.” I didn’t know why I was pushing this. Maybe it was because I understood the desire to be free, to not have anything hanging over your head.

  “We’ll see,” Ezra said.

  “We?”

  He looked at me. “Of course, dear. You don’t think I’d let you go by yourself, do you?”

  I’d hoped. And even though part of me was relieved at the idea of having him there, the other part of me wanted a little independence as well. “Alpha Hughes won’t need you here?” I asked innocently.

  He grinned. “Oh, I’m sure she can do without me for a couple of days. Can’t you, Michelle?”

  “Yes,” she said. “I suppose I can.”

  “And it’s not like we’ll be gone long,” Ezra continued. “It’s a day’s drive to Fredericksburg, if we keep at it. We’ll be back before there’s any time to miss us at all.”

  I groaned. I loved him, but the idea of being cooped up in a car with him for hours on end was going to drive me up the wall. He had terrible taste in music.

  He laughed like he knew what I was thinking. “It won’t be so bad. Give us a chance to take a break. Meet some other wolves.” His eyes were sparkling. “Maybe even find yourself someone special.”

  Fuck this. And him. “You are not going to pimp me out to another wolf. Not again.”

  “Please. There was no pimping. It’s not my fault the last one was… well. Exuberant.”

  “Exuberant?” I exclaimed incredulously. “She killed a goddamn bear and left it in front of the house!”

  “It was a small bear,” Ezra told Michelle. “Probably only a couple of years old. Still, impressive, if you think about it. She certainly proved her worth. Anyone would be happy to have Sonari as a mate.”

  “She snuck into the house and licked me while I was sleeping!”

  “She wanted you to smell like her. Nothing wrong with that.”

  I crossed my arms and sunk low in my chair. “You’ve got a seriously skewed view of right and wrong. You don’t lick people when they haven’t asked for it. And she’s a teacher. Who knows what she’s telling all those kids about courting?”

  “I’ll keep that in mind for next time. Let an old man have his fun, Robbie. Is it so much to ask to want to see you happy?”

  I sighed, knowing I’d lost. I couldn’t deal whenever he got sentimental, and he knew it. “Just… if it happens, it happens, okay? I’ll know when it’s right. I don’t want to force it.”

  “I know you don’t. Now, if that’s all, I’ll take my leave. I have things to attend to before we depart.”

  Michelle nodded. “That’s fine. I want you to keep in touch for as long as you’re there, if you should find the need to stay longer than a couple of days. Keep me informed.”

  “Of course, Alpha. Robbie, would you please—”

  “Robbie stays.”

  That caught him off guard. He looked between us. “Come again?”

  Michelle looked stern. “I need to have a discussion with my second.”

  I blinked in surprise. She’d never called me that before. I hadn’t even known that was on the table. Granted, she didn’t seem to have any other wolf who could have been her second—none that I knew of, anyway—but hearing it spoken aloud made me want to howl with joy.

  “Of course,” Ezra said, bowing low. He stood upright again and squeezed my shoulder. “I have much to prepare for. There is a young witch named Gregory I need to speak with. He’s bright and eager, though a little foolhardy, even as he asks question after question. Reminds me of someone I know. I’ll see you at home, all right? We’ll leave bright and early, so don’t stay out too late.”

  I nodded, barely hearing his words. I was still stuck on second.

  He closed the door behind him, leaving us alone.

  I tried to find the words to show my appreciation, practically vibrating in my chair, but Michelle spoke first. “Are you happy here, Robbie?”

  “Yes,” I said immediately, and it was mostly the truth.

  She watched me for a moment before nodding. “These dreams you’re having.”

  I shifted in my chair. “Everyone dreams.”

  “I know that. But is this different?”

  “I’m a wolf. I dream of wolves. I don’t know how else to dream. It’s always been this way.” It was close to a lie, but not so close that she’d be able to tell.

  “You’re important to me.” She said it stiffly, like she wasn’t used to expressing her emotions. Oh, Michelle cared about her pack, but sometimes her concern felt… mechanical. Almost perfunctory.

  “Thank you, Alpha Hughes. I won’t let you down.”

  “I know you won’t.” She glanced over my shoulder before looking back at me. “I need you to be on your guard.”

  I was confused. “For what?”

  “The wolves in Virginia. They… we don’t know what they’ll do. What they’ll say.”

  I wasn’t worried. “It’s probably just a simple miscommunication. Easy fix.”

  “Maybe,” she said. She began to tap her fingernails on the desk again, a habit I thought came from nerves. “But if it’s not, do what you need to in order to protect yourself. I expect you to return whole. Stick close to Ezra. Don’t be out of his sight.”

  “Is there something else I should know?”

  She shook her head. “Just keep an eye out, okay? That will be all.”

  I stood as she did. I was surprised when she came around the desk again and took my hand in hers. Her eyes filled with red, and calm washed over me. It was soothing, being here with her. Part of me balked at how easy it was, but I knew my place. I was a Beta wolf. I needed an Alpha.

  I needed her.

  “You don’t need to worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

  She smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes. “I know you can. But you’re mine. And I don’t take that responsibility lightly.”

  I left her standing there in the middle of her office.

  * * *

  When I exited the house, the day was bright. I hoped winter was finally on its way out. The air still had a crisp bite to it, but the sun was warm.

  I thought about going home, but I wasn’t ready to face Ezra. I was still a little pissed off he’d been talking to Michelle about me behind my back. I knew he did it out of concern, but it still ir
ritated me.

  And the thought of being cooped up with him for a long car ride didn’t help.

  Instead of turning toward home, I left the compound and headed for the refuge.

  The thick trees blocked out most of the sunlight. There were still patches of snow on the ground. I stopped as I entered the tree line, cocking my head and listening to the sounds of the forest. It was teeming with life. In the distance, deer were grazing. Birds were calling, calling, calling.

  I crossed an old, rarely used dirt road.

  I was alone.

  I stretched my hands over my head, popping my back.

  I needed to run.

  I left my clothes and glasses in some bushes near the road. I dug my toes into the earth, slowly breathing in and out.

  It started in my chest.

  The wolf and I were one.

  The first time I shifted hurt more than anything else I’d felt. I’d been on the cusp of puberty, and my skin felt like it was on fire. I screamed for days on end, my voice breaking and going hoarse, but still I screamed.

  The wolves I’d been with weren’t pack, but they were close enough. They cared for me even though I wasn’t theirs. The Alpha held me against his chest, brushing my sweat-slick hair off my forehead. “Find it,” he said, his voice a growl. “Find your tether, Robbie. Find your tether and clutch it tightly. Let it wrap around you. Let it pull you to your wolf.”

  “I can’t,” I cried at him. “Please, it hurts, make it stop, make it stop.”

  His hands tightened around me, his claws dimpling my skin. He said, “I know it hurts. I know it does. But you are a wolf. And you will shift. But before you can, you have to find a way back.”

  My back arched against his as I seized, my hands digging into his thighs. He grunted when my claws burst from the tips of my fingers, slicing into him, drawing blood. My mouth filled with saliva at the smell of it, coppery and sharp. The animal in me wanted to rend and tear until he let me go, but he was stronger than I was.

  And just when I thought I could take no more, that I would rather die than let it go on, I heard her voice.

  She sang, “Little wolf, little wolf, can’t you see? You are the master of the forest, the guardian of the trees.” She laughed. “Always quiet as a mouse. Let them hear you now.”